Me as the Interviewer: And now we’re back with Paranormal Interviews, today we have a very special guest who came all the way from hell. Please put your hands together for the Devil!
The Devil as the Interviewee [walking up the stage with a hunched back]: Okay, settle down my minions, I mean peasants, I mean worshippers, I’m just your average devil no big deal here.
Me: Hello Mr. Devil, please take a seat right here. So, Mr. D, may I call you Mr. D? How was the trip going here?
Devil: Seriously? This is what the economy has gone to? Mortals who are too lazy to pronounce two syllables so they resort to calling someone by their first letter? I love it. Yes, peasant, you may call me Mr. D. The trip? Oh you know, burned a few houses here and there to make my way up this lovely planet of wanderlust. Oh and one more thing imbecile, I’m not a “mister” so let’s just drop that, call me D.
Me [laughs]: D, you’re such a joker, you should be a comedian.
Devil: And you should consider resigning, ahaha.
Me: You always were the funny one, weren’t you? Now, back to business. How’s your love life? Got a few celebrity crushes in hell? Like Amy Winehouse? Or Princess Diana?
Devil: Hush hush, I’d like to keep that a secret. I’ve had a few flings with Amy, she’s more of a kisser. As for Diana, I’m not really much of a car-crashed-face type of person.
Me: Do you have a special someone right now? Perhaps a wife?
Devil: I currently have 666 sex partners (I like to keep it to a minimum). And a wife is out of the question, are you dumb enough to ask me if I’ve ever engaged in a holy matrimonial ceremony that involves taking an oath to the sadass up in the sky? Please.
Me: Right, right, I’m so sorry for that, I’ll fire my scriptwriters right away.
Devil [snaps fingers]: Already gave them a brain tumor, no need to worry about that.
Me [flinches]: Okay… on to your kingdom. Or is it a ‘kingdom’ in the first place? What do you call it?
Devil: I prefer to call it my chateau of sinful mortal blood. But hell’s fine.
Me: Alrighty, how’s it like in hell? And how is it different from Earth?
Devil: It’s always busy busy busy, there are lots of places in there reserved for special types of people. We plan deaths, indulge people in sinful acts, punish them for eternity, it’s almost close to utopia if you ask me.
Me: How, um, lovely. Before we move on to more serious matters, let’s talk about you first. Deep inside, who is the Devil?
Devil: Who am I inside? That’s pretty tough to answer. I guess, deep inside I’m just that “scared little brother” who got punished for everything. And now I’m filling the void of love with tons of revenge. I yearned so much for just one thing – love, but no one gave it to me. Now, my heart’s a black hole that’s never content without punishing others because I want them to feel how I felt. [wipes tears off of his eyes] So, you know, I’m not all bad, I’m just… a pretty darn good actor. I’m just kidding, I’m a fucking monster inside who has all forms of scary.
Me: Do you have any children?
Devil: Ask me one more thing about my personal life and I will strangle you with your intestines.
Me: Got it. So, what do you have to say about people not wanting to go to hell?
Devil: It’s not my choice darling, you chose the thug life. And besides, I still have some faithful (not sure if that’s the right term to use) followers who’ve been worshipping me ever since, haters are going to hate so set aside all those rude comments and just believe in you.
Me: That’s very inspiring, D. What do you have to say about celebrities being linked to satanic contracts? Like, the illuminati?
Devil [shudders]: Wha-what? That’s preposterous. Next question.
Me: Seriously D, are the rumors true?
Devil [bites nails]: No, no, of course not. That’s pure and utter bull.
Me: Hmm. Well, I’m sorry but that’s all the time we have for today, be sure to check back for our continued interview with the Devil himself. This is Paranormal Interviews signing off!